I’ve been struggling with depression my entire life. I just didn’t realize it.
Last week my doctor asked me if I thought I was depressed. I answered ‘I don’t feel suicidal’ and he responded ‘that’s a pretty low measure of depression’. In fact, that was my measure. If I wasn’t suicidal that I thought I wasn’t depressed.
Way back in high school I confessed my thoughts of suicide to the guidance teacher. I guess guidance teachers probably are not the best people to deal with these situations. They have to decide whether or not you were telling the truth or just a teenager trying to get attention. So of course the onus is on the teenager to go back and get help. And who wants to get help and get labelled as having depression when really all you want to do is seem normal. But you’re not normal people, don’t see you as normal. People see that something is wrong with you and they start distancing themselves from you because they know something is off and they probably just think you’re weird. Weird or sensitive. My parents always said I was too sensitive.
I suffer from depression I know people just think I’m weird because I cannot admit it. I become angry at myself and then angry at the world. I laugh – a lot! Laughing and joking are my coping mechanisms. But that means I often laugh and joke at inappropriate times. I cannot tell people that I’m depressed I don’t want them to think that I’m ‘mental’. I want them to think that I’m normal and that I can function in society. When well in fact I can’t. What the fuck is normal anyway???
Now as my doctor tries to switch up my medicines in order to try and find one that works I am yet again in a downcycle. I am happy that I don’t seem to be suffering any side effects from the new medicine but right now it does not seem to be working.
I don’t want to lie down and curl up in a ball. I want to scream! I want to bounce up and down, twirl around, bang on things and yell!
But I guess I’ll go for a walk… so I can appear ‘normal’.